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04 February 2009 @ 09:25 pm
Hello all.  
I've been looking for a community such as this one, and not having much luck. I noticed that this one isnt extremely active, but hopefully someone is still out there reading this, and can help me a bit. From the posts I've read, you all seem like you might get it best.

I am absolutely head over heels in love with a six and a half foot tall crossdresser. He identifies himself as drag queen, yet he is not gay. He has had a brief relationship with a man, another drag queen, which didn't work out, and it seems that his attraction to the opposite sex ends when the makeup comes off. I thought this seemed more like transvestite than drag queen, but he still prefers the term. This really isn't the problem.

I met J.C. three years ago, and he was introduced to me with all cards on the table. I knew he crossdressed, and I loved it about him. I made him clothes, did his makeup, took pictures for him. I've tried like hell to find shoes for him, but the poor dear has size 18 shoes (mens sizes), so this has failed miserably. lol.

Our relationship has always been rocky. He has always been just a bit of an attention whore (understatement), and in the past been inherently selfish. We dated initially a couple of years ago, and he left me within a week for a girl he hadn't even met at the time...yes, before we continue, Im a big girl, and this girl was not. I was a virgin at the time, etc...either way, he left me and it hurt. But, somehow, things got worked out and we ended up together, and we've been happier this go around. Possibly due to the girl's insanity, and his thankfulness at my lack of that. The girl was convinced that he was in love with his feminine persona (Lola), which is perhaps a bit true, and she destroyed alot of his clothes (some of which I had made), and his wigs and makeup.

The problem Im having seems to be that no matter how fine I am with the crossdressing, I seem to still be struggling with it. Its not something I wasnt aware of from the beginning, but now that we're very committed to each other, sometimes I feel like there is another woman in his life. He doesnt dress as much as he used to, but now, when he does it, he either hides it from me, or doesnt dress completely. Or he constantly asks if Im okay with it. He likes to dress sometimes when we have sex, which Im okay with, and sometimes he likes to do lesbian role play (TMI? Im sorry, just trying to be as honest as possible), which helps. And, more often than not, he seems to lack a libido completely if he isnt dressed up, or if Im involved. I think that in some ways, hes more interested in solo time because, then he is free to be with the other woman...himself.

This hurts alot, and its made me kinda cynical and bitchy, even when I dont mean to be. I find myself saying some pretty snide and hurtful things without meaning to. I caught him the other day having had intentionally spend the night away from me to dress up and spend some quality time with himself, despite the fact that we only really get physical one to three times a month. I felt like he wasted his rare mood by being without me. It hurt, bad. Almost to the point where I dont want to be with him anymore. But, then again, thats not true, because I love him more than Ive loved anyone, and he says he feels the same way about me.

Also, before we met, and earlier in our up and down relationship, he would dress up and take borderline pornographic pictures of himself and post them on the internet. I told him that he had to stop doing that. Not because of crossdressing, but because I dont want other people looking at him like that. He wouldnt allow me to do the same thing, and I dont feel like its too much to ask of him. I think he may have taken it to mean that I thought him dressing up made him a whore, and I didnt mean that, but he seemed to only dress up for that purpose and the attention. I even asked him recently to stop dressing up all together unless I knew or was there because it felt like he was sneaking around.

All that being said, he has really tried to lose alot of his selfishness and be nurturing and good for me. When he slips back into his old habits, and I call him on it, he cries and feels bad, like he cant help it. I know its a hard habit to break, but I dont want to lose him over it. I'm the first girl in over ten years that has meant this much to him, and he knows nothing about how to be in a serious relationship. And he is my very first serious relationship. We're really happy together in that respect. Theres a huge amount of love between us, and we dont want to be apart.

Any advice? Please? How can I cope with the crossdressing, and is his need to hide things like that from me going to put such a wedge between us that we cant possibly work out? Anything that you all could offer me would be appreciated, even if its just someone who can understand. Thanks you guys.